This post is so depressing that I shall recommend you not to read if you are in a bad mood.
It is too good to be just a coincidence, I mean, is something going on around me? I will tell what happened later. Well, when I was talking to my friend on skype, she told me Japanese TV show she had watched. The documentary was about the high rate of suicide in Japan, and now more and more people are dying every single day. The strange thing is, that some of them wouldn’t be indentified. When a corpse is found, the police try to identify, however sometimes they can’t do because there is no identification like a driver’s lisence or that sort of thing. And even if there is, there would be no relatives who can take the corpse. It is because the person is so old that the parents already passed away, or because the person has no children, or drifted apart. If no one comes to pick up, the corpse would either go to waste or be used for medical students to prosect. Today, people die a solitary death all alone, and no one else knows…that is 無縁死[muenshi] or neglected death. 無縁[muen] means neglect, and 死[shi] means death. The era of 無縁死 has come…that is 無縁社会[muen shakai] or neglected society. That was the subject of the show my friend watched.
Yesterday, I witnessed a nightmare. On the way to home, as I was climbing the slope by bike, I saw some people were looking at the same direction on the top of the slope. I just did the same, and there was a corpse of an old man. He seemed to jump off from the parking lot inside the department store. I was so scared that I left the spot immediately. It was too painful to see. My friend, I am not lying.
Just after I heard of such a TV show, I witnessed something like that. Is this just a coincidence? It really chilled my spine. Whatever happened to his corpse after that, I don’t know, I don’t want to know. But if no one can identify the old man and no one comes to pick him up, he would go to a neglected grave, 無縁墓地[muen bochi]. In this case, he was found just after he died because he did so in public. But what if he had died alone in his room? No one would have noticed his death if he had lived himself. In fact, there was another guy in the show. It was not until the odor spread out that the landlady noticed. He lived himself, no children, no wife, and his parents passed away. He didn’t seem to have friends after he retired. How could anyone know he died in his room?
The more I watched the show, the more I felt scary…and sad. Because you know, no one else could notice even when you die, and no one comes to you even if you die. It’s too sad.
I live myself at the apartment, and there is no one who pays a visit me. If I want to see someone, I have to go out. Well, I often e-mail my brother and sister so that either would think something odd if I stopped e-mail. But even that, I don’t know how long it will take. In fact, I had a terrible flu and a stomach infection at the same time last May. All of a sudden I felt sick and fainted. I tried to call someone, but none of them answered the phone at the moment. So I managed to call the ambulance though I didn’t want to do. Just after it turned out to be a flu, they released me, but there was no one coming to pick me up. こんなのってありかよ～（苦笑）Well, I am not saying I got angry, but I just felt people are all alone.
It reminds me of something. Please see this picture in 2ch. I don’t know who came up with this, but it is a picture which embodies a NEET’s life at right. However, 2ch bugs started to discuss how we interpret this picture. In this picture, a person (we can’t tell the age and even the sex) wakes up, saying おはよう 今日もいい天気だ[Good morning, it is fine today]. And he (let’s say) is going to the table for breakfast, saying 朝ごはんを食べよう[I am gonna eat breakfast]. パクパクモグモグ[pakupaku mogumogu] is onomatopoeia in comics when someone is eating. In the final panel, he is crying, that’s all. What is this supposed to mean? There are a lot of interpretation. It could be an unemployed man, or could be a widower. The reason why he is crying, might be that he is jobless or he has been lonely after his wife passed away. I might say it is an old widower who is scared of 無縁死. What do you think?
I can’t still come off the terror of 無縁死 because it might happen to me. I am not saying it is to avoid that, but I want to keep in touch with my friends. Even if I stay single, I want friends who kindly talk to me when I get older. But that is not so simple because as time goes by, people wouldn’t be what they used to be. Now even if I see my old classmate, we can’t talk just like we did. Because we are having a different life. He doesn’t know what I am doing, and who I associate with. So don’t I. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen any of them who used to be friends at school for ages. It is not a matter of number, but thing is that you have someone who comes to you when something happens. Once again, it is really sad that nobody notices even when I die.
Thinking about something like that, I watched the episode 19 of Code Geass R2 again. In this episode, it focuses on Lelouch’s younger brother, Rolo. (Spoilers starts) He keeps using the power of Geass to save Lelouch even though he knows it sacrifises his own life. After all, Rolo dies. He was really happy to have Lelouch although they weren’t real brothers. Although Rolo knew Lelouch was cheating him, he was happy to have Lelouch. He had been just an assassin, but he learned how happy having a brother was. The time he spent with Lelouch was true even though the relationship was fake. He wasn’t all alone. Because Lelouch was his side when he died. I so cried at this scene, Rolo’s death was not 無縁死(spolier ends).
Next I watched episode 24th of Neon Genesis Evangelion, yes, Nagisa Kaworu. (Spoiler starts) He was the Last messenger, and his job was to spy on Shinji. But as he spent the time with Shinji, he started to realise his being. And as you know, that famous word…I might have been born to meet you[僕は君に逢うために生まれてきたのかもしれない]. He wished to die for the sake of Shinji. I soooo cried at this scene, Kaworu’s death was not 無縁死(spoiler ends).
The TV show said 無縁社会 will be a more serious matter from now, but I don’t want to believe. I am not ready to die. I want to cosplay more, and there are many countries I want to go! Yes I have many things I want to do. That is why I keep going. But to be honest, there was a time I almost gave up. I think I have said before, but there were almost no good things last year. I was like crawling in the bottomless mud, and there was no rope, no help. I thought things finally settled, but it turned out to be another nightmare. When does this nightmare end? I was always thinking about that. There was no hope, and I thought there was only despair. Now, my life has been far better than before. I don’t want to look back, but I am not sure what will happen in the future. No one knows.
But if I am allowed to say my wish at this moment, let me quote Lelouch’s line,